I’ve Recently Switched to Talking Only About My Plant-Based Diet

Yes, I’d love to grab dinner Friday night! It will be so great to catch up. If I could just make one tiny request, and I swear you don’t have to plan around me, but I’ve recently switched to talking only about my plant-based diet.

Oh, you’ve already got a conversation topic planned? Totally not a big deal, I’m super chill about it. You know what? Let’s just stick with that conversation, and I’m sure I can find something to say. Worst case I’ll just stick to asides.

Honestly, you should try it! It’s much easier than you think. Like just the other day, my sister called me to ask why I haven’t made time to meet my 18-month-old nephew, Corey or Casey or something. But I just substituted that with a conversation about a macrobiotic bowl I recently made with red quinoa, candied sweet potatoes and spicy curried seitan. I didn’t miss a thing! (The trick is to spend an extra 15 minutes marinating on the fact that our bodies weren’t evolved to eat meat more than once a month in the first place. Wait, is it Carey?)

Yes, of course you can still talk about that problem you’re having in your marriage. It’s not going to gross me out! I totally respect that other people make the conversation choices that work for them. But honestly, even if just on weekdays you substituted talking about “your husband’s failure to understand your need for emotional intimacy” with tips on how to make a pan-roasted cauliflower steak, you’ll just feel better.

Oh my god I am not trying to make this a big deal, I just want to see you! How about this: I’ll bring a few iPads with me in my bag. That way, if there’s truly nothing for me to talk about, I’ll just have a few minutes of The Game Changers documentary instead. It’s amazing how much that can satisfy you when you break your body’s addiction to empathic verbal connection.

OK, so we’re on for 7:30! Actually, can we make it for 9? My co-worker wants me to meet a rescue dog she’s fostering. Like, we get it.

Two-time Emmy loser. New Jersey apologist.

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